in which there is grey fog and white roses.

the last few weeks have been... well... hard.

everything around me feels like it is trailing pieces. part of me feels like i missed the boat - that there was an opportunity to accomplish something recently, and i failed to see it. part of me feels, however, that i wasn't necessarily supposed to accomplish that thing, and that events might have unfolded differently, perhaps not as effectively, if i had. i don't know.

i don't know.

and for someone who has been getting fairly loud - if sometimes confused - messages as to What is Going On (even, in some cases, What is Coming Next) for years, this... fog is a good word... is incredibly frustrating. at least back in October (when i felt like i was in a box) i had the sensation of moving, as if i'd done the things i was supposed to do, and so was being transported to the next place. and i don't have that now.

i was about to write that i hadn't had that feeling in months, since the Solstice, but that would be wrong. it may feel like forever, but it hasn't been all that long... a month, maybe. i suspect there are people reading this - having seldom/never experienced the feeling of being "guided" - who'd love to give me a swift kick in the tail for whining at a lack of supernaturally-inspired direction for a paltry few weeks.

but i haven't felt this lost in years.

i feel like i'm stuck in a waiting room without a magazine or any clue as to when i'm supposed to see someone. like i once had the direct line to TPTB, and now i'm listening to Muzak and wondering how long i'll be on hold.

( and so this brings us to today's DailyOM )

i bought myself cut roses yesterday, just because. i used to hate roses, you know? well- first, i loved them (once upon a time) and then i hated them, because mike used them to try to buy my love, and my forgiveness.

mom and i were in Aldi's yesterday, and they had rose bouquets for only $3.00. one bunch caught my eye - creamy white, and so beautiful - i just had to have them. maybe now i know why.

i put them on my altar.

over and over i find myself trying to hold on to the idea that life is, in the end, about love. and peace. and, thus, forgiveness.

( Tarot.com Capricorn horoscope for Thursday, March 15th. )

you know... i wish i had a plan. *wry grin*

--

EDIT: James logged onto Yahoo IM about an hour after i posted this, and his first comment to me was:

"foggy today."

he hadn't read my LJ. *boggle*

now i'm slightly suspicious. i thought i'd fixed that, but i have to wonder: am i actually feeling me? is he actually feeling him? and of course i feel sorry for myself, if it IS happening, why does all of this feeling each other have to be merely metaphysical? *wry sigh*