in which the last five days feel like five months. (long)

[chris_warrior]

as happens, it's been far harder to process all the thoughts that came up during this trip than i expected. not that i'm done, but life has continued to add new stuff, and faster - it seems - than i can possibly relate it to you.

for example: while i was online with Jesse yesterday morning becoming somewhat disillusioned as to the nature of our friendship, Natalie phoned me. i agreed to meet her at Panera, and she drove us to Green Lakes. on the way to the park, it became apparent that she really needed to vent about something that happened with her mother. a gorgeous grey-brown and white hawk swooped down over the car as we drove along 481S, and then more hawks followed us as we walked around the lakes. as i was relating to her the dream i had a few weeks ago - about trying to make peace between warring camps, and realizing the futility of fighting - Natalie saw something ahead of us.

--

Natalie: "What IS that? Up ahead."
me: "I dunno. I don't see anything..." *we get closer* "Oh God."

there were two dead deer, one on the path, one near the water. further long, there was the remains of another near a tree stump.

Natalie: "Oh... Yuck."
me: "I think it was coyotes. That one was disemboweled."
Natalie: "Yeah, might be. Ew."
me: "Wow. NOT a great sign, given the story I was just telling. Gah."
Natalie: *surprising me by running with the ball* "The death of gentleness..."
me: "Yeah."
Natalie: "Actually... They're mine. It makes perfect sense. I need to be less gentle."
me: *thinking about it* "You know... you're right: they are yours. You saw them first. I had no clue there was anything there."

--

last night i dreamt that i was unpacking boxes of dead mice. there was one mouse per tiny coffin-shaped box, each wrapped in a damp paper towel.

and as if that isn't weird enough, i was resurrecting them as i unpacked them. i held their soggy little bodies in my hands, and they started to breathe again. their fur fluffed up, and it was brownish-peach colored. they wiggled their pink noses and twitched their whiskers. i made up a cage for them, with pine shavings.

there was also a white rat, and i brought him back to life, too, but then i didn't know what to do with him.

i woke up a lot last night.

--

my mom and i took a walk around the track this afternoon. it was sixty-five degrees out, and there was still three feet of snow on the ground.

surreal.

--

after i spoke with pheromone on Thursday - and we decided that although i couldn't make it to her party on Saturday, we'd hang out on Friday night - i called gblake's parents' house. Eleanor invited me to dinner, asked me if i would stay the night.

i don't know how i knew, but i had thought she might ask... the thing is, it's been so hard lately. i've been missing Greg a lot; i'm not sure why. i know grief ebbs and flows in cycles, and i realize that it will dim again soon. it has, a bit, even since the weekend. i get the feeling he's been laughing at me about some stuff. i know i'm ridiculous. i know it.

i just didn't know if i could sleep there. it was hard, last time.

i debated whether to tell Eleanor i had decided, even before i spoke to Jude, that i wouldn't stay over. in the end, i told her the truth: that i'd been missing Greg too much to stay this time, and that i had someone in Boston i wanted to see, but that i would love to stop and have dinner.

so i called Jude to let her know that i'd be a bit later than originally planned, and stopped in Hartford and ate fried rice with Greg's parents on Friday evening. Eleanor's cooking (like Greg's, though that's no accident) is always delicious, and we talked and talked - about them maybe going to Japan in the fall, about people who had visited, and visits they had made, about stuff going on in my life. and, eventually, a little, about Greg. it's usually at the end, as if we all realize that it's going to hurt, but it will help after, and we all have stuff we're thinking that we really want to get out, to share, but we're unsure if it will be OK. and then i get back in my car and drive away crying.

yes. sometimes these trips are a lot about the crying.

--

i found Jude's new place so easily it almost made me do a little dance when i got out of the car, though part of that was also finding street parking right on her block. :) i'd never gotten to see firsthand the amount of prep that this lady puts into one of her parties, but it's staggering. to me - a person who loves parties but has no where to throw one - the entire idea seemed particularly joyful. not for the first time i wished i could be in two places at once on Saturday night (well, three actually, but attending the third event would probably have been awkward).

i helped a bit with set-up, hung out a bit, and got a bit of sleep.

as a note to anyone who asks/allows me to stay over: if you tell me i can/should wake you up in the morning, i will. if i like you enough to be staying with you in the first place, and i know i can't stay very long, i'm going to jump on your bed trilling "Good Morning!" and then ruthlessly drag you out of there. i may apologize later, i may even be a little sincere about it, especially if i know you'll be up late the next night, but it won't prevent me doing it.

Jude and i cruised Somerville a bit, going to the maple sugar boil-off in the community gardens, and then watching dogs at the dog park, and then we were going to go get a pedicure... until i realized it was already 12:30. i had told oneblackstripe i would be in Webster around 2 pm, pizza in hand, so that we could actually have a couple hours to hang out before Winterfeast, and before she had to get ready for birthday night.

i watched Jude pick a gorgeous blue color for her toes, get into the massage chair, hot water bubbling around her feet, and i almost weakened. still, i knew i had to get going. we hugged, and i reluctantly quit Somerville.

--

i would have been perfectly on time had i not thought Rt495 was Rt395. yes, i know. but i DO this sort of thing. i grabbed my map about ten minutes after i exited the Pike - five minutes too late to bother getting back on - and figured out i could cut through on Rt 16, which i did. but it took me a lot longer than going to Worcester and then down Rt395 would have.

so i was about twenty minutes late getting to Holly's. the silliest mistake, however, was not the getting lost. it was the not asking her what she liked - or rather hated - on pizza. being a vegetarian, i tried to get half meat/half vegetables, but when i called the pizza place, the heavily-accented dude on the other end of the call did not understand that concept. i ended up just having him put peppers and onions on it, which are the only two things, it turns out, the birthday girl really hates on pizza. d'OH.

it was great to catch up, explain the last couple of emails with respect to the various "guy situations" and finally find out "the scoop." which is, perhaps, not such a scoop, but i thought was encouragingly cool nonetheless. i heard more of the tales of woe related to the move, and explored the muscles/muscle attachments related to possible nerve impingement, and got my butt kicked at arm wrestling. i finally met Steph, and the cats, and the iguana, and the boa constrictor. :) and someone else, who thought he'd met me before, but i rather think has just seen my picture in Holly's journal.

then it was 4:20, and i knew i had to go - Holly had an appointment, and i was likely going to be late to Winterfeast.

--

i wasn't TOO late getting to Charlton. Holly - perhaps acknowledging my penchant for getting lost - gave me excellent verbal directions that got me back onto my printed-out directions. i cruised into the Overlook parking lot at 5:15 or so, then it took another five minutes to find the right building. the complex is beautiful, but everything looks like everything else. :)

if you fancy yourself a more 'visual' person, you can experience Winterfeast pictorially by checking out Annette's livejournal. if you're more verbal/literal, Julie's write-up is, as usual, far more detailed than what lies below.

i have to admit that by the time i got to the party i was about thirty feet inside my own head, and it took some excellent and intense Julie-time the next day to pull me even halfway back out.

still, i do have some favorite memories of that night.

running into rosa_nera first thing, and being made to feel welcome at her table, was unexpected and sweet. i managed to pull mudqueen aside early on and find out what the heck was bothering her a while back, and felt better to know she was OK. i went to the ladies room to pee, and ended up hiding in there for almost a half hour: talking with Bonnie, and pennhothwen, and someone who told me that i'd really helped her husband feel better during Faire season, when i hadn't even remembered seeing him. i remembered - and was able to describe to Becke - the dream i'd had a while back with her in it.

i managed to worm my way under danctrf's arm more than once, and snuck him - as well as noelcc and Autumn - some reiki. i am again humbled by Autumn's incredibly selfless perception of someone else in pain. she'd asked me before, but at one point late in the party she sidled over to me and said "Hey, are you sure you're OK?" i very nearly began to bawl; that one empathetic question nearly dislodged the patch i'd slapped over the hole that had recently opened in my outer wall. she's so young, and yet i remember how she took it upon herself to care for me during the Faire run, and i'm just not surprised.

Dan's story about the pumpkin bread, which brickhousewench recounted, was one of the more amusing moments of the night, as well as hearing Bonnie intone "Chocolate is always an appropriate way to celebrate the death of a saint", in regards to evolving St. Trudpert's Day traditions. and dancing was fun for awhile, even though Evil Photographer person was all over the place snapping pictures.

but lack of sleep and head being elsewhere (not to mention a little chunk of heart) started to catch up with me, and the squire took pity on me. i find it slightly amusing that neither of us could see much on the ride home that night. my windshield was covered with a coating of muddy water, through which i peered intently, looking for Julie's distinctive license plate. Julie figured out the next day that she'd ripped a contact lens, and that's why one eye wasn't focusing. and then told me that one of her headlights was out.

tell me again why i'm alive? *wry look*

--

i love staying with Julie. i know i've said it before, but it's still true, so i'll say it again: her apartment is one of the only places in the world besides my parents' house where i feel unconditionally safe.

we didn't have waffles in the morning, this is true, but it absolutely did not matter. we went to Panera for breakfast, and chilled in the comfy chairs. we sipped drinks, ate bagels, and talked and talked until stuff started to feel better.

and i think that's what being friends is all about.

--

i had to leave by 2:30ish to get to Arlington by 3:00 pm to meet Evan. Julie and i only said goodbye four or five times, but it was enough to make me - along with a slight detour onto 95N rather than directly onto 95S - a bit late. i was glad i'd decided to hop online at Julie's and drop him my phone number.

i suppose you could call this my first March date. there was that moment, again, where a male just expected to buy me food, but i headed off to the rest room without letting him order for me. i grabbed some soup and we ate, talking mostly about martial arts; he trains hapkido. we went for a walk around Arlington Heights, up hills and down hills, and continued to talk about training and dating.

he seems like a really nice guy, though kind of young. he's a really high OKCupid match - 86%, 88% friend - which is why i wanted to meet him in the first place. though i didn't get any sort of romantic vibe from the meeting - on either of our parts - we're still chatting.

i left Arlington around 5:30 pm.

and - since there were no other significant stops to be made - i got home around 10 pm. i kissed my mom, IMd a bit, and then crawled into bed.

--

now you know why the last five days feel like five months.

my friend Samantha and i did a massage exchange this morning. i did a ton of deep connective tissue work on her, and she returned the favor. i think it' so cool that i was her first massage as a licensed massage therapist.

but, add a deep tissue massage onto two karate classes, and i'm just a wee bit sore right now. i need a shower. and a cuddle. and maybe even another cry.

in the worst way.

Comments

[theincubus.livejournal.com]

That IS quite a lot of living for only 5 days! You seem a little "shaken not stirred" emotionally. Sorry bout that. Affairs of the heart?

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

some of it is not doubt recent affairfailure, and other grief. some is no doubt just tiredness.

then again, i guess one could accuse me of being "emotionally shaken" with some regularity. ;)

[theincubus.livejournal.com]

A shame we aren't more proximate. A good co-massage does wonders for the spirit. Not bad for the body either!

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

at this very second, i'm quite down on the idea of another massage. *wry grin* Sam's just did me IN. i'm so fricken sore right now, it isn't funny.

[brickhousewench.livejournal.com]

**Hugs** It's always great to have you visit.

The mouse dream was fascinating. I looked up mouse totem animals, and found this:Scrutiny, Detail

Mouse medicine is both a great power
and a great weakness.
It is good to pay attention to all details,
but bad to over-analyze every little thing.

Re-read that last line for me hon. =)

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

i thought it was odd that i brought three mice back to life, and put them in a comfy little cage, but when i brought the rat back to life i didn't know what to do with it; i didn't have another cage to put it in. Rat is survivability, self assurance, and adaptability.

though, if i was over-analyzing every single thing, how would i have had time to keep doing so much more stuff? ;)

i was just concentrating on the huge central "feeling" of the dream, of breathing life into things. you did make me wonder, though, if this isn't the period of time that i'm supposed to be healing up all the dangling details. and if there won't always be a white rat around somewhere...

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

trying. :) thanks.

btw, i really liked your mom's idea of getting everyone together on the anniversary. and i had to laugh at her asking me about doing a T-shirt give-away, which i really think is just a neat idea. "shirt off his back" is very Greg. ;)

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

It was great seeing you, and I'm glad you got me up because otherwise I probably wouldn't have gotten to the syrup boil at all. And of course it also meant more time together. Sorry you couldnt stay for the shindig, though -- it was indeed a blast. Thanks so much for your help. :)

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

next time you throw a party, i'm going to try my damndest to be there - come hell or high water. please keep me on the list?

i had fun!! i'm just sorry i couldn't stay longer.